


The Ingredients in a Draught of Living Death

by heartofholtzbert



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2018-12-24 02:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12002961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofholtzbert/pseuds/heartofholtzbert
Summary: Remus spends some time in the hospital wing after a particularly bad full moon. His time there becomes more bearable with regular visits from Sirius.





	1. Chapter One

It had been one of the worst full moons Remus could remember. He had woken up the next day bruised and sore, with a throbbing ache in his skull. Madam Pomfrey had insisted he stay in the hospital wing for a few days to recover, despite Remus’s protestations. He'd pointed out that people would be sure to notice his absence from class and question him about it, but Madam Pomfrey couldn’t be talked down. That was how Remus had ended up here, in the hospital wing, pretending to feel better than he did in the hopes of being released early. 

At Remus’s request, James had brought him his school books so that he wouldn’t fall behind. All three of his friends had groaned with exasperation when he said that, but Remus was determined not to let his condition affect his life. And that meant keeping his grades up, for one thing. 

He was studying his Transfiguration book and trying to ignore the pounding in his head when he heard a commotion nearby. The curtains around his bed had been closed for privacy so he couldn’t see what was happening, but it didn’t take him long to recognise the voice of one of his best friends arguing with Madam Pomfrey.

“Can I just see him for five minutes? I swear I’ll be quick.”

“Mr Black, I thought I made it clear that your friend needs his rest.”

“Okay, how about one minute then? I’ll be in and out so fast you won’t even notice me.”

“The answer is still no, Mr Black.”

“Oh come on, please -”

Remus reached out and tugged at the curtain concealing him. He saw Sirius in the doorway and Madam Pomfrey blocking his entrance. Sirius was bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet, peering over Madam Pomfrey’s shoulder, and when he saw Remus his face broke into a grin. 

“It’s all right, he can come in,” Remus said. He wished his voice didn’t sound so feeble. He was tired of feeling weak, and of other people treating him as such. 

“Certainly not,” Madam Pomfrey said. “You need peace and quiet, Mr Lupin, not this - this -” she waved her hands in Sirius’s direction, struggling to find the right word. “This hurricane.”

Remus almost had to laugh at the pleased look on Sirius’s face, who was clearly flattered by this comparison. 

“Just five minutes?” Remus pleaded. “Then he’ll leave, I promise.”

Madam Pomfrey glanced between the two of them several times, then threw her hands up in exasperated surrender. She bustled away, muttering under her breath about these stubborn teenage boys that would be the end of her. 

Sirius, triumphant, strutted into the hospital wing and sat down beside Remus’s bed. Remus pushed himself into a more upright sitting position, trying his best not to look like a sick hospital patient. 

Sirius nodded at the Transfiguration book in Remus’s hands. “Bit of light reading there, Moony?”

“I don’t want to -”

“Fall behind, yeah yeah, I know.” Sirius paused, his eyes searching Remus’s face. Remus hadn’t seen himself today but he supposed he looked pale, with dark shadows under his eyes. 

“So how are you feeling?” Sirius asked, in a lower and much different voice than his usual carefree bark. 

“I’m fine,” Remus lied. In fact, the ache in his skull had spread and now throbbed dully behind his right eye as well. 

“Come on Moony, you don’t have to pretend. It’s me.”

“I’m just tired, that’s all. I’ll be back to normal soon,” Remus insisted.

Something that looked like hesitation, or maybe doubt, flickered in Sirius’s eyes. And then he did something he had never done before. He leaned forward and pressed his hand gently against Remus’s forehead. Remus was startled but didn’t move. It was almost like he couldn’t. Sirius’s hand was warm on his forehead and his skin tingled under his touch. For some reason, Remus felt warmth flooding his cheeks. When Sirius finally retracted his hand, after the longest three seconds of Remus’s life, Remus's head was spinning in a way that didn't seem related to his headache.

Sirius cleared his throat. “You’re uh…you’re a little warm, Moony.”

“Am I?” Remus said stupidly. He was too flustered to think of another response and his skin was still tingling like an echo of where Sirius’s hand had been. 

“You might have a fever. Should I tell Madam Pomfrey?”

“No, I’m fine,” Remus said, more forcefully than he intended. “I wish everyone would stop treating me like I’m ill.”

Sirius didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then his serious expression gave way to a much more familiar easy grin. “Good news for you then,” he said, reaching into his bag and pulling out a roll of parchment and a quill. “I came because I need your help with my Potions homework.”

Remus tried to smile and to his relief it came naturally. This was the Sirius he was used to. This was familiar territory. “And here I thought you were concerned about my wellbeing.”

“Always, but I have priorities you know,” Sirius joked. He poised his quill against the parchment. “So - what are the ingredients in a Draught of Living Death?”

“Don’t you have a Potions book that could tell you this?” 

“I lost it,” Sirius said offhandedly. 

“I’m sure there’s a spare copy in the library.”

“The library?” Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “No thank you. That’s where Prongs is right now, watching Evans study. He thinks one of these days she won’t sit with Marlene and he’ll actually have a chance to talk to her. There’s only so much of his pining I can take.”

Remus sighed. “All right, I’ll help you. The first ingredient is…”

For ten minutes or so Sirius listened intently and jotted down everything Remus said, pausing every so often to shake his long black hair out of his face. When Madam Pomfrey came to kick him out, he seemed reluctant to leave. She shooed him away from Remus like you would a pigeon, and the second he was gone Remus felt very alone. He’d been glad of the company and the distraction. And it wasn’t very often that he and Sirius spent time alone without the other Marauders. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about Sirius’s hand on his forehead, that tender gesture from his usually brash friend. And the way Sirius’s eyes had kept darting up to his even while he was writing down what Remus dictated. 

Remus forced himself to stop over-analysing things. He was tired. He needed rest. And the sooner he got it, the sooner he’d be out of the hospital wing and back to normal life.


	2. Chapter Two

To Remus’s great dismay, Madam Pomfrey didn’t deem him fit to leave the hospital wing the next morning. 

“Another day of bed rest is what you need, Mr Lupin,” she said firmly. “I know how you and your friends are, running around all over the place, and you’re not ready for that yet.”

And so Remus resigned himself to another long day of boredom. James, Sirius and Peter tried to visit him during their lunch hour but Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let them in. 

“Feel better, Moony!” James had called to him over her shoulder, and then they’d had no choice but to leave. 

Remus spent the better part of the day studying his Transfiguration book and reading ahead. As afternoon turned to evening, he started dozing off with a warm ray of sunlight slanting through the window onto his bed. He didn’t intend to fall deeply asleep but he supposed he did, because the next thing he knew he was waking up to a grinning face merely inches from his. 

“Argh!” He jolted back on his pillows with a startled cry. 

Sirius made an urgent shushing motion but Remus could tell he was trying not to laugh. 

“Did you sneak in here?” Remus whispered, his heart still racing. 

“Of course,” Sirius replied in a low voice. “She wouldn’t let me in otherwise. Don’t worry though, she’s in her office now. I saw her go in there about five minutes ago.”

"How long were you lurking outside waiting for an opportunity to come in?"

Sirius smirked and raised his eyebrows suggestively. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Remus looked around and saw that Sirius had closed the curtains around them, hiding them from view. The hospital wing was silent without the sound of Madam Pomfrey walking about; he was the only patient today. 

“Why are you here, Sirius?” Remus asked.

“Does a guy need an excuse to visit his sick best friend?” Sirius said, pretending to be wounded. “I’m sorry, his NOT sick best friend.”

“Sirius.”

“Okay, okay, I may have a tiny bit of homework I need help with. But I also did come to see how you were. So. How are you?”

There it was again, that intense concerned look in Sirius’s eyes that seemed at odds with his casual, carefree nature. 

“I’m fine,” Remus said. “I just want to get out of here.”

“I know,” Sirius said sympathetically, patting his shoulder. “You will soon.” He reached into his bag, trying not to make too much noise, and pulled out a roll of parchment. “In the meantime, I have some more questions about the Draught of Living Death to keep you occupied…”

And just like the day before, Sirius asked Remus questions and wrote down his answers, the scratching of his quill punctuated only by brief pauses during which Sirius ran a hand through his hair. Remus found himself fixating on this motion every time he did it, and consequently losing his train of thought for a few seconds. This flustered him, and so every time it happened he started talking a little faster until Sirius’s quill could barely keep up. 

After the better part of an hour, Remus leaned back tiredly on his pillows and said, “Did we really get this much homework?”

Sirius shrugged. “I suppose Slughorn was in a bad mood today.”

“Has he noticed that, you know, I’m not there?” 

“’Course he has,” Sirius said. “His third favourite student is missing class, how could he not notice?”

“What about everyone else?”

“Evans asked about you,” Sirius said. “She said she hopes you’re all right.”

“What did you tell her?”

“Oh nothing much, just that you threw out your back howling at the moon,” said Sirius innocently. 

Remus snorted in spite of himself and reached out to shove Sirius playfully, but in doing so he accidentally knocked his goblet of water off the bedside table. Sirius made a quick swipe to try and catch it but his reflexes weren’t fast enough; the goblet fell to the floor with a clatter that resounded in the empty room. Remus and Sirius barely had time to wince before Madam Pomfrey came bursting out of her office.

“What was that noise? Is everything all ri -” She flung back the curtains and stopped dead when she saw Sirius sitting there. “Sirius Black!” she shouted. “What in the name of Merlin are you doing here? Out! Out!” 

And she chased Sirius all the way out of the hospital wing, Sirius fleeing the angry matron with an easy athletic lope. She returned moments later, fuming (“I would have expected this from Black, but I expected better from you, Lupin!”), and barely looked in his direction as she waved her wand to clean up the goblet and the spilled water.

That was when Remus saw it; Sirius’s bag on the floor beside his bed. Madam Pomfrey had chased him out so fast he hadn’t remembered to take it with him. Remus waited until Madam Pomfrey was back in her office, then he leaned down and scooped up the bag. The contents half spilled out onto the bed and Remus was in the process of putting them back in when he noticed a Potions book. He opened it, frowning slightly, and there on the inside cover was the name of the book’s owner, written in his own hand: Sirius Black. 

Remus stared at his friend’s handwriting, puzzled. Sirius had told him he’d lost his Potions book, yet here it was in his bag. Had it been there the whole time? Why would Sirius lie about something like that?

Remus slipped the Potions book back into Sirius’s bag and placed the bag on his bedside table. He would ask Sirius about the book tomorrow. Maybe his bag was just so cluttered with junk that he’d missed it somehow. 

Maybe.


	3. Chapter Three

When Sirius woke up the next day, his first thought was of Remus. 

All right, that wasn’t exactly true. His very first thought was that he wanted to throw something at Peter, who had just unceremoniously woken Sirius by stubbing his toe on a bedpost and letting out a yelp of pain. Sirius rolled over with a groan, cursing Wormtail’s clumsiness, and his eyes fell on Remus’s empty bed. It was the third night in a row that the bed hadn’t been slept in, and Sirius felt his absence more than he ever had. 

“Come on Padfoot, mate, we’ll be late for breakfast,” James said from the other side of the dormitory. 

Sirius made a disgruntled sound and pulled the covers over his head. 

“Oi, that’s enough beauty sleep, princess,” James said, crossing the room and yanking the duvet off Sirius in one quick motion. “Rise and shine.”

“Prongs, I swear to Merlin -” 

“Just get dressed,” James said, talking over him. “Pete and I will wait in the common room.”

Sirius heard their footsteps receding, and the dormitory door swinging shut behind them. He stretched and yawned before dragging himself out of bed. He barely noticed what clothes he was putting on, his thoughts wandering to Remus in the hospital wing. He had looked so tired yesterday, so ill, despite his insistence to the contrary. It was as if each full moon affected him more than the last, leaving him drained and pale for longer and longer every time. Sirius hated seeing him like that, his energy and vitality gone. He missed Remus’s teasing, his dry sense of humour, his sarcasm, all of which disappeared along with the colour in his cheeks after a full moon. 

Sirius and James and Peter had become Animagi to help Remus during his transformations, but there was nothing they could do to make the aftermath better. That pained Sirius. 

Absent-mindedly, he crossed to Remus’s bed and sat down on it. Remus’s trunk was open on the floor beside his feet, the clothes inside neatly folded. Before he knew what he was doing, Sirius reached down and pulled out one of Remus’s cardigans. It was light brown, with dark brown buttons. He had worn it only last Saturday, when the four of them had spent the sunny day sitting on the grass by the lake. Sirius had teased him for wearing a cardigan when it was so warm out, and Remus had in turn told him to jump in the lake if he was so warm. 

Without thinking about it, Sirius lifted the cardigan to his face and buried his nose in it, inhaling a smell that was unequivocally Remus. 

“Uh…what are you doing?” 

Sirius jumped violently and dropped the cardigan like it was on fire. He spun around to see James standing by the door, his expression quizzical. Sirius hadn’t heard him come in. Shit. 

“Nothing,” Sirius said, too quickly to be believable. “Moony borrowed something of mine last week, I was just looking for it.”

“Mm-hm.” James gave him a knowing look, the corners of his lips twitching. Sirius didn’t like that look. It made him nervous. He fully expected James to say something else about the situation he had just walked in on, but to Sirius’s surprise and relief he didn’t.

“Well come on then, I’m starving,” James said. “I’ll have no choice but to eat Peter if you don’t hurry up.”

“Ah yes,” Sirius said casually, trying to act as if James hadn’t just caught him smelling their friend’s cardigan, “I forgot Wormtail drew the short straw when we were deciding who we’d eat first in an emergency situation.”

James played along. “Actually there were no straws. Wormtail just volunteered. He understands the true meaning of friendship, unlike you.”

Sirius’s blood ran cold. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

James looked a little confused by his sudden change of tone. “It means you’re taking so long to get ready that all the bacon will be gone by the time we get to breakfast.”

“Oh,” Sirius said. “Yeah, right. Sorry. Let me just get my bag.”

He walked back over to his bed, scanning the cluttered floor around it for his school bag. He usually left it there among heaps of clothes and books scattered carelessly in a way that made Remus wince. When he couldn’t spot the bag immediately, Sirius began to sift through the mess, James tapping his foot impatiently behind him. 

“I’m growing old here, Padfoot,” James said. 

“It’s not here.”

“What’s that?”

“My bag, it’s not here.”

“When was the last time you saw it?” James asked.

“I had it in last class yesterday,” Sirius said slowly, thinking back. “Then I went to visit Moony, and then -” He stopped.

“Then what?” James was tapping his foot again, his patience reaching its end.

“Then Madam Pomfrey chased me out,” Sirius said.

“Told you you’d get caught,” James said smugly.

“That’s not the point, the point is I left my bag in the hospital wing.”

“Oh. Well then go back and get it.”

“Madam Pomfrey won’t let me in.”

“Look, if you can’t get it back today I can lend you some parchment and a quill and we can share my books.” 

Sirius thought for a moment. “Thanks Prongs, but I think I’ll try my luck and see what happens. Go on to breakfast without me, okay?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” James said. “You mean I waited for you all this time when I could have been downstairs eating bacon?”

“That’s the true meaning of friendship, my dear Prongs.” Sirius smiled sweetly.

James rolled his eyes, half-heartedly sticking up his middle finger at his best friend. “You don’t deserve me.”

“I love you too!” Sirius shouted at his retreating back. 

James waved a hand in the air without looking back, and then he was gone. Sirius waited a few moments before following him down to the common room and out through the portrait hole, but instead of heading towards the Great Hall he set off in the direction of the hospital wing.


	4. Chapter Four

Sirius spent the whole walk to the hospital wing preparing what he was going to say to Madam Pomfrey. He rehearsed the words in his head until he felt confident that, with the additional aid of his charm, she would let him in to see Remus.

What he was not prepared for was her reaction upon seeing him in the doorway. 

“Oh, Mr Black, you’re here!” she said, striding down the ward. “That was quick.”

“Quick?” Sirius echoed, confused.

He tried to catch a glimpse of Remus but Madam Pomfrey ushered him outside the hospital wing door, out of earshot. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, feeling very much as though he was missing something.

“I take it you got my message?” Madam Pomfrey asked.

“Message?”

“Oh, Mr Black, do stop repeating everything I say,” she said. “I sent Marlene McKinnon to the Great Hall to deliver a message to you, didn’t she find you?”

“Oh,” Sirius said. “I was late to breakfast this morning. I mean, I didn’t go in the end. Why, what was the message?”

“Mr Lupin had a very rough night,” Madam Pomfrey said, lowering her voice just in case Remus could still hear her. “He was having terrible nightmares. I had to wake him up and give him a Sleeping Draught to ease him through the night. That gave him a few hours of peace, but he’s awake now and I think some company would do him good.”

“And you sent for me?” Sirius asked.

“You may have a flagrant disregard for my rules, Mr Black, but I can see how much you care for your friend,” Madam Pomfrey said, in the kindest tone she had ever used with him. “And he seems to enjoy your visits. So if you’d like to stay with him today I will speak to your professors and have you excused from class.”

She looked at him for a few moments until Sirius realised she was waiting for an answer.

“Yes,” he said. “Yes, I’ll stay with him.”

He followed Madam Pomfrey back into the hospital wing. The curtains around Remus’s bed were still drawn even though his was the only occupied bed in the room. Sirius was thankful for that. It was hard enough to avoid awkward questions as it was.

Madam Pomfrey pulled back the curtain and Sirius felt a sharp pang in his chest when he caught sight of Remus. He looked worse than he had the previous day - much worse. The shadows beneath his eyes had deepened and darkened, and his face looked almost waxy. Sirius felt an urge to turn away; he couldn’t bear to see Remus like this. 

“Mr Lupin,” Madam Pomfrey said gently. “Mr Black is here to keep you company today. Let me know if you need anything.”

Remus only nodded, and Madam Pomfrey left them to it. Remus barely glanced in Sirius’s direction as he sat down, which made Sirius’s throat feel oddly constricted. Did Remus not want him there?

They sat without speaking for what felt like an eternity, to Sirius at least. Normally he would have attempted to lighten the mood with a joke, but this time his instincts told him to stay quiet. 

Finally, Remus broke the silence between them.

“I know she asked you to come,” he said, his voice weary. “But you don’t have to waste your whole day here with me.”

“Waste it?” Sirius said, brows furrowing. “Why would it be a waste?”

Remus smiled without humour. “I don’t exactly make for good company at the moment.”

“But you’re getting me excused from class,” Sirius pointed out jokingly. “That has to count for something, right?”

Remus didn’t smile, and Sirius wished he could take back his words. What if Remus hadn’t realised it was a joke? What if he thought Sirius was only there out of a sense of obligation?

“You can say it,” Remus said, after another silence. 

“Say what?”

“What you’re thinking,” Remus said, finally turning to look at him. “That I look awful.”

“Nonsense, Moony,” Sirius said, aiming for a breezy tone. “You look as youthful and vibrant as the day I first met you.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Anyway. As I said. You don’t have to stay.”

Sirius was overcome with insecurity. He knew Remus was probably just saying that because he didn’t want to feel like a burden, but part of Sirius wondered if Remus really didn’t want him there. 

“I’d like to stay for a while,” Sirius said quietly. “If that’s all right with you?”

He thought he saw surprise - and maybe something else - flicker in Remus’s eyes at these words, before he nodded. He looked so thin in that hospital bed, so fragile. His hair, lit up by a stripe of sunlight from the window behind him, was falling into his tired eyes; Sirius wanted to brush it away gently, wanted to trace the constellations of freckles on Remus’s face with his fingers. More than anything, he wanted to climb into the bed beside Remus and hold him, just hold him until he felt stronger again.

“How much did Madam Pomfrey tell you?” Remus asked, cutting into Sirius’s thoughts.

Sirius hesitated. “She…told me about the nightmares.”

Remus sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping. “I really wish she hadn’t.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Sirius said.

“Nightmares are for children.”

“Nah, they’re not,” Sirius said. “I still have them.”

The last part slipped out before he knew what he was saying. It was something he had never admitted out loud before.

“You do?” Remus asked, with a hint of scepticism. “About what?”

“My family, mostly,” Sirius admitted. Again, something he’d never said aloud. Something he’d never wanted to tell anyone, until this very moment. “My mother, screaming at me the day I left. My father, telling me I’m a disappointment and a disgrace to the name of Black. A blood traitor. A terrible son.”

Remus’s eyes softened, a pained crease appearing between his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that.”

Sirius shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. 

“They’re bad people, Sirius,” Remus said quietly. “But at least one good thing came from them.”

“What?” Sirius asked, before the meaning of Remus’s words sank in. “Oh… Oh. Me?”

“Of course you, what else?” Remus said casually, but Sirius thought he saw a faint pink colour rise in his pale cheeks. 

“Ah, thanks, Moony,” Sirius said awkwardly. “I’m just happy that I don’t have to see them anymore. I’ll never set foot in that miserable house again.”

“I’m glad,” Remus said.

“Me too.”

“What about…” Remus paused, looking uncertain, then continued. “What about Regulus?”

The sound of his brother’s name made Sirius stiffen. “What about him?” he said roughly. 

“Is there any chance of…?”

“No,” Sirius said, his voice hard. “He’s chosen his path. And I’ve chosen mine.”

Remus nodded. He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but wasn’t sure if he should. Eventually, he said, “I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you. To grow up in that house, with them.”

“It wasn’t a barrel of laughs, that’s for sure,” Sirius said darkly. “But you’re no stranger to hardship either, Moony.”

Remus laughed. “Whatever gave you that impression?”

The sound of Remus’s laugh, though quieter and feebler than usual, was the best thing Sirius had heard all week. As soon as he’d walked in and seen Remus, looking as if he was fading into the bedsheets beneath him, Sirius had thought to himself that if he could just make Remus smile, even once, that would be the only important thing he did today. The only thing that mattered.

“What?” Remus said self-consciously, raising a hand to his face. Sirius realised he had been staring.

“Nothing,” he said quickly. He cast his eyes around for something else to look at, his gaze landing on the newspaper at the foot of Remus’s bed. He reached out and grabbed it; it was today’s edition of the Daily Prophet. 

“Oh, Madam Pomfrey left that there in case I got bored,” Remus said. 

Sirius flipped through the pages and then looked up at Remus with a grin. “Wanna do the crossword?”

“Now?” Remus said doubtfully. “Together?”

“Oh come on Moony, you’re supposed to be the intellectual of the group,” Sirius said. “Don’t tell me doing the crossword with me isn’t your idea of a perfect afternoon or you’ll break my heart.”

“It’s ten in the morning, Padfoot,” Remus pointed out. “And I doubt that’s even possible.”

“Which?” Sirius asked slyly, tilting his head to one side. “Completing the crossword or breaking my heart?”

“Shut up,” Remus said, a faint blush breaking through his pallor. Sirius’s heart thudded unevenly in his chest but he kept a composed exterior. 

“All right then,” he said, opening the Prophet and laying it flat between them. “The crossword it is.”


	5. Chapter Five

“Have you got a quill on you?” Sirius asked.

Before Remus could answer, Sirius smacked himself on the forehead. “Oh, that reminds me! I left my bag here yesterday, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” said Remus, reaching across to his bedside table and passing the bag over to Sirius, on his other side. He hesitated; he’d resolved himself the day before to ask Sirius about the Potions book which he’d supposedly lost but was actually in his bag. Now, however, Remus felt reluctant to do so. He told himself it couldn’t be of much importance; Sirius’s bag was simply so cluttered that he hadn’t realised the book was in there. If he mentioned it again, Remus would tell him. And if not, Remus could assume he’d found it for himself. 

“What are you thinking about?”

“Hm?” Remus looked at Sirius, who was watching him intently.

“That’s your thinking face, Moony, I know it well,” Sirius said.

“You do, do you?” Remus said, playing for time.

“You get this little crease, right here,” Sirius said, touching the space between his own eyebrows. “And you bite your lower lip.”

He said this innocently enough, but Remus felt a rush of heat in his face. He cursed his propensity to blush easily, hoping Sirius hadn’t noticed. There were a lot of things he hoped Sirius hadn’t noticed. 

“So what were you thinking about?” Sirius persisted, but this time he broke eye contact to rummage in his bag for a quill. Without the intensity of Sirius’s gaze on him, Remus found it easier to answer in a flippant manner. 

“I was just remembering how Peter nearly got eaten by that cat the other night,” he said. 

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Ha! Thanks for reminding me, I haven’t teased him about that nearly enough.”

“It’s not funny!” Remus insisted, though the corners of his lips were twitching at the memory. “Peter could have been hurt.”

“Nah, he couldn’t have,” Sirius said. “If the cat actually got close enough to eat him he would’ve just transformed.”

“You three take an awful lot of risks on full moons,” Remus said gravely.

Sirius grinned. “What’s life without a little risk?”

“Statistically, longer,” Remus said. “And safer.”

“Well I’d rather have fun than play it safe,” Sirius said. “And don’t tell me you don’t enjoy our outings on the full moon. We’ve explored the grounds probably more than any other students in history.”

“They can be quite fun,” Remus admitted. “Now that you’re all Animagi.”

“There you go, Moony, see, it’s not all bad,” Sirius said, finally pulling out a crumpled quill and a pot of ink. “Now how about this crossword?”

The day spun out in a soft haze of sunlight and tranquillity. Remus and Sirius did the crossword with the newspaper between them, Sirius reading out the clues and Remus providing most of the answers. When Sirius knew an answer he would exclaim triumphantly, taking it so seriously that Remus had to laugh. When they encountered a clue neither of them could solve, Sirius would rub the top of the quill feather under his chin thoughtfully, which made him look as though he was trying to tickle himself. Remus was amused, and found himself enjoying the sight so much that even when the answer to the clue dawned on him he didn’t tell Sirius right away. 

After they finished the crossword, Remus pulled out a book to read and Sirius read the paper. They read in companionable silence, and Remus marvelled at how much of a difference it made just to have Sirius sitting there, even if they weren’t speaking. 

After a while, Remus found himself distracted from his book by Sirius’s fidgeting. At first it was only an occasional shuffle or change of position, but gradually it reached a point where Sirius could not seem to sit still for longer than twenty seconds. Every position he took seemed to cause him discomfort, and it was easy to see why; the chair he sat in was designed for short visits, not long stretches of time without a break. 

“Are you all right?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius hunched over in his seat. 

“Yeah, fine,” Sirius said. As he sat upright, his spine cracked and he rolled his shoulders to counteract the stiffness.

Remus rolled his eyes. “That chair is killing you.” He hesitated. Then, slowly, he said, “Do you want to…?” His sentence trailed off but he used his arm to indicate the free space beside him on the bed. 

“Sit up there with you?” Sirius said. He hesitated too. Remus was already cursing himself for suggesting it, of course he wouldn’t want to, why would he - 

But then Sirius was saying, “Sure!”, and getting up out of the chair. Remus shifted sideways in the bed to make more space for him, and Sirius sat down gingerly on top of the covers, careful not to jostle Remus too much as he swung his legs up and settled back against the pillows.

“Ah,” he said appreciatively. “Much better.”

“Let’s hope Madam Pomfrey doesn’t see you with your shoes on,” Remus said. 

He expected Sirius to make a flippant comment about how little he cared, but to Remus’s surprise he immediately kicked his shoes off and nudged them off the side of the bed. 

They continued reading in silence, as they had been before, but this time Remus found it distinctly harder to concentrate. He kept catching himself reading the same sentence several times, unable to absorb its meaning because he was too busy being aware of other things, such as Sirius’s breathing beside him, or the way he smelled, which reminded Remus of a particular type of tree in the Forbidden Forest. He was having trouble remembering which one. 

At first he sat stiffly, being careful to leave a comfortable gap between them. Sirius didn’t seem to share this concern, however. By moving his leg slightly and letting his foot loll to the side, his foot was suddenly touching Remus’s ankle. Remus waited a few seconds to see if Sirius would move his foot, but he didn’t. Taking the cue that Sirius didn’t mind casual contact between them, Remus began to relax, becoming less mindful of keeping to his own space. 

As the afternoon stretched out, the sunlight pouring in through the window bathed them in warmth. Remus looked over at Sirius and saw his eyelids fluttering as he fought against sleep. 

“Feeling a bit drowsy, Padfoot?” Remus asked.

“Maybe a little.”

“You can take a nap if you want to.”

“I won’t be much company for you if I’m asleep, will I?”

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget that you’re here,” Remus said. “Your snoring will undoubtedly remind me.”

Sirius knocked his shoulder playfully against Remus’s. “I don’t snore.”

“As someone who’s shared a dormitory with you for six years I can confirm you most certainly do,” Remus said solemnly. “Even ask James if you don’t believe me.”

Sirius huffed. “Please, James will back me up and you know it.”

“I mean it though,” Remus said. “You can sleep if you want to.”

Sirius hesitated, his tiredness clearly getting the better of him. “Maybe just for a few minutes.” 

He closed his eyes, and soon his breathing became slow and deep, giving way to gentle dog-like snores. Remus couldn’t help gazing at his face, so peaceful as he slept. All the tension Sirius carried while he was awake melted away in his sleep, softening all the hard lines of him, smoothing the sharp edges. His dark hair framed his face on the pillow as he lay facing up towards the ceiling. 

Eventually Remus returned to his book, but soon the words were blurring before his eyes as he too felt the insistent pull of sleep. He tried to hold up his heavy eyelids, but his efforts didn’t last long. Intending, like Sirius, to doze off only for a few minutes, he closed his eyes and sank into a deep sleep.


	6. Chapter Six

James was still shovelling scrambled eggs into his mouth when the bell rang to signal the start of class. He looked around at Wormtail, who was hurriedly finishing off a piece of toast. 

“Where the bloody hell is Padfoot?” James said. 

Peter shrugged. “Maybe he stayed in the hospital wing?”

“There’s no way Madam Pomfrey would let him,” James said. 

“Then he’s probably gone straight to class,” Peter said. “Shouldn't we go too?”

The Great Hall was slowly emptying as everyone flooded out through the double doors. James and Peter joined the crowd and made their way to Professor Binns’s classroom for History of Magic. When they entered, however, there was no sign of Sirius. They sat down in their usual seats and flung their bags under the desk. 

The classroom buzzed with chatter as they waited for Professor Binns to arrive. James glanced surreptitiously across the room to where Lily was sitting with Marlene McKinnon. Marlene appeared to be doing an impression of Professor Binns - a rather uncanny one, James had to admit - and Lily was laughing. James had loved that laugh since their first year; the way she threw her head back and closed her eyes, the almost musical sound of it…

“What did Sirius say?” Peter asked, snapping James out of his thoughts. 

“Hm?”

“When you went back up to the dormitory to get him?”

“Oh. Nothing, just that he was going to the hospital wing to get his bag,” James said, thinking about how strange Sirius had been acting. Specifically, the cardigan sniffing. 

“Pete?” James said slowly. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Sirius likes Remus?”

“Of course,” Peter said. “We all like Remus.”

“No, I mean… do you think there’s something - more - between those two?”

“Oh.” Peter considered this for a moment. “Yes, probably.”

“Yes, probably?” James repeated in disbelief. “Did you know about this?”

“Didn’t you?” Peter said. He shrugged. “I mean, the signs have been there for a while...”

“I saw them too!” James said, with a mixture of triumph and frustration. “But I thought… I thought if there was something going on, they’d tell us. I thought at least Sirius would tell me.”

Peter shrugged again. “Maybe they’re not ready.”

James thought about the look on Sirius’s face when he’d caught him smelling the cardigan, the panic in his eyes when James had joked that he didn’t understand the meaning of friendship. 

“I think Sirius is afraid,” James said. Sirius wasn't known for being emotionally open, but the few times that he was, James was usually the only one he trusted to see it. James could vividly remember the night, last summer, when Sirius had called for him through the two-way mirror they used to talk when they were apart. James had answered, expecting to see his best friend grinning in greeting, but instead Sirius was tear-stained and trembling. He'd just had an ugly fight with his parents, and Regulus had taken their side. James had calmed Sirius down by talking to him through the mirror until he fell asleep. 

“We have to tell them we don’t care,” James said. He didn’t want Sirius to be scared, didn’t want him to think there were still people in his life who would turn their backs on him because of who he was. 

“I think we should wait,” Peter said, surprising James.

“What? Why?”

“Because we should give them a chance to tell us themselves. If they haven't done it yet, it must be for a reason.”

James stared at him, taken aback by his unexpected wisdom on the matter. At that moment, Professor Binns floated into the room through the blackboard. His arrival didn't silence the class; Binns was a teacher who did not command much respect from students. Only a few people stopped talking and picked up their quills; everyone else just continued their conversations in slightly quieter voices. 

“Fine, we’ll wait,” James whispered to Peter. “But not too long.”

Peter nodded in agreement and turned his attention to Professor Binns, who was now droning in his dull voice about some goblin rebellion or another. James didn’t bother paying attention. He slumped over his desk, resting his head on his arms, and thought about Sirius. He wondered where he was. Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let him skip class to stay with Remus, but maybe he’d found a way to sneak in. Maybe he’d even borrowed James’s invisibility cloak.

A lazy glance to his right told James that Peter was writing down Binns’s words at an impressive pace, curiously immune to the sedative effects of the professor’s voice. He gave Peter a look that asked if he could copy his notes later, and Peter, understanding, nodded. 

James closed his eyes and slept soundly through the rest of the class.

* * *

James had expected Sirius to join them after History of Magic for their second period Transfiguration lesson, but he didn’t. Nor did he show up for Charms or Herbology. By lunch time, James was worried. He craned his neck to look all around the Great Hall for any sign of him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“D’you think he’s gotten into trouble?” James asked Peter. 

“What kind of trouble?” 

But James didn’t answer him; he had just spotted McGonagall on her way up to the staff table. He jumped up and ran the length of the Gryffindor table, turning the corner when he reached the end and skidding to a halt right in front of Professor McGonagall. She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Is there something I can help you with, Potter?”

“I was just wondering if you’d given Sirius a detention today, Professor,” James said. 

“No,” McGonagall said, raising her eyebrows again. “Why, would he like one?”

“No, Professor,” James said quickly. “I was just wondering.”

“It is my impression that Mr Black is spending the day with Mr Lupin in the hospital wing,” she said. “Madam Pomfrey informed me that he was to be excused from lessons.”

“He - he is?”

“Yes,” she said. “May I have my lunch now, Mr Potter?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry, Professor,” James said.

He turned to walk away but she called, “Oh, and Potter?”

“Yes, Professor?”

“No running in the Great Hall,” she said. 

There was a hint of amusement in her stern voice. 

“Won’t happen again, Professor,” James said cheerfully. 

He returned to Peter and told him what McGonagall had said, and the two of them agreed to go to the hospital wing after their last class of the day.

When the final bell rang, they packed up their books and took to the crowded corridors. Nearly everyone was going outside to enjoy the sunshine, but James and Peter went in the opposite direction. When they arrived at the hospital wing there was no sign of Madam Pomfrey. They made their way up the ward and stopped in their tracks at the sight that awaited them.

Sirius and Remus were in the bed, their bodies pressed together, Remus’s head resting on Sirius’s shoulder, both of them fast asleep.


	7. Chapter Seven

When Sirius woke up, he was disoriented. The bed he was lying on didn’t feel like his own. He opened his eyes and blinked at the ceiling. Not the ceiling of the Gryffindor dormitory; the ceiling of the hospital wing. 

Slowly, Sirius became aware of a deep breathing beside him. He turned his head. Remus was lying beside him, the side of his body aligned with Sirius’s. His head was resting on Sirius’s shoulder. 

Sirius froze. Remus was deeply asleep, his chest rising and falling slowly. Sirius could feel the warmth of his body, could smell that distinctive scent that clung to all of his cardigans. A lump of fear formed in Sirius's throat. Slowly, with the utmost care, he detached himself from Remus. The other boy’s head lolled onto the pillow but he did not wake. Sirius slid off the edge of the bed, trying to ignore the sudden rush of cold air on the side of his body that had been pressed against Remus’s. 

He found his shoes on the floor and pulled them on quickly, glancing around the hospital wing. It was now dusk outside the windows. He’d slept through most of the day. To his relief all the other beds were still empty, but a jolt of fear passed through him all the same. Anyone could have come and gone during the day. Anyone could have seen.

His racing mind turned to Snape and everyone else who hated him. If any of them had seen… if any of them knew…

He thought of Regulus and his stomach churned painfully, making him double over.

“Are you all right, Black?” 

Sirius jumped violently. He hadn't heard Madam Pomfrey's footsteps approaching.

“I - I was just leaving,” he said, trying and failing to sound composed. 

“Very well,” she said. But as he tried to move past her, she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure you’re all right, Sirius?”

Sirius barely registered the unusual use of his first name. He nodded quickly and was about to leave when he turned back, unable to help himself.

“Did anyone else come in here today?” he asked.

Madam Pomfrey hesitated. “Well, yes. Your friends were here earlier. Potter and Pettigrew. They came to visit Mr Lupin and I asked them to leave and let you both sleep.”

Sirius did not know what expression passed over his face at her words, but he turned on his heel without replying and left the hospital wing as fast as he could. He took the corridors at a speed somewhere between fast walking and running, not even sure where he was going, only that he had to keep moving, he couldn't slow down -

“Ouch!” 

The exclamation and the collision of another body against his made him stop, panting. He had just swerved around a corner and smacked right into someone. As she rubbed her shoulder and looked at him reproachfully, he tried to wipe his face clean of expression. 

“What in Merlin’s name are you doing, Black?” Lily Evans asked. For once, she was alone. Sirius almost never saw her without Marlene McKinnon by her side. 

“Sorry, Evans,” he muttered. “Wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Where are you off to in such a hurry? Or do I even want to know?”

“Probably not,” he said, trying to sidestep around her.

“Hey, wait,” she said, blocking his path. “How’s Remus? Have you seen him today?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen him,” Sirius said, after a pause. “He’s fine.”

“Will he be out of the hospital wing soon?”

Sirius shrugged, the movement painful. “How would I know?”

And he pushed past Lily, leaving her alone in the corridor staring after him. 

* * *

Sirius did two laps of the castle before returning to the Gryffindor common room. When he gave the Fat Lady the password, she remarked that he looked ill. He ignored her and pushed through the portrait hole. 

The fire was lit in the common room and a group of third years were sprawled over the best armchairs. He cast his eyes around, looking for his friends. Finally he spotted them in a corner, which was strange. Normally James liked to sit where he could draw the most attention. Now he was sitting with Peter, their backs turned to the room, their heads close together as if they didn’t want to be overheard. 

It took everything Sirius had to make his way towards them. He dragged his leaden feet, ignoring a fifth year girl who gave him a flirtatious look as he passed.

“...I know, Pete, but I think we should - Sirius!” James broke off in mid-sentence at Sirius's approach. 

“Hi,” Sirius said. 

“Hi yourself," James said, pulling up a chair for him. "McGonagall told us you got to spend all day at the hospital wing." 

“Yeah,” Sirius said. He sat down. The lump was still in his throat. 

“How’s Remus?” Peter asked. 

Sirius was prepared for the question. He’d rehearsed what he was going to say. Repeated the words over and over in his head so they could spring naturally from his lips.

“He’s doing better, I think. Just sick of being alone every day. Madam Pomfrey asked me to keep him company and somehow we both fell asleep. I guess I was tired because a certain clumsy git woke me up this morning.” He looked pointedly at Peter.

“I already said I was sorry,” Peter mumbled. 

James laughed. Sirius almost expected follow up questions, or suspicious looks, but none came. He glanced at his friends. They looked relaxed, indifferent, normal. Sirius felt a release of tension in his stomach. Why had he been so scared only moments before? James and Peter probably hadn't even stepped foot inside the hospital wing; Madam Pomfrey would have turned them away at the door. He had been worried over nothing. He almost wanted to laugh. 

He leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs out luxuriously. “Anyone up for a game of Exploding Snap?” he asked.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minor trigger warning for internalised homophobia in this chapter as remus comes out for the first time, but it ends happily :)

For the first time in weeks, maybe months, Remus woke with a kind of well-rested contentment permeating his entire body. His head was clear in the absence of a pounding headache, his eyes did not ache from tiredness, he was pleasantly warm instead of shivering, and strangest of all, he felt the lingering traces of happiness from an event he could not quite remember.

“Oh, you’re awake at last,” Madam Pomfrey said, bustling past the foot of his bed.

“What time is it?” Remus asked, confused. 

“Almost ten o’clock.”

Remus glanced at the dark windows. “At night?”

“You slept through the day,” Madam Pomfrey said. “And so did Mr Black, he only left an hour ago.”

At the mention of Sirius, the memories came trickling back. Remus remembered the two of them talking, doing the crossword, sitting on the bed together. He remembered Sirius falling asleep beside him, his face softened and calm. He remembered closing his own eyes, promising himself it was only for a minute. 

He looked at the empty space in the bed beside him and felt an unexpected pang in his stomach. 

“Are you all right, Lupin?” Madam Pomfrey asked. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine, thank you,” Remus said, with a smile. 

She peered at him. “I must say, you’re looking much better. If you get some more rest tonight, I’ll release you in the morning.”

He nodded and thanked her again and she bustled away. He sank back onto his pillows, drawing the covers up to his chin. His mind was more refreshed and alert than it had been in days. He didn’t think he could sleep again tonight, not now that he felt so awake. He wished someone were here to pass the time with him. He wished Sirius were here.

Remus spent most of that night thinking, his eyes wide open and staring at a ceiling he could hardly see in the darkness. He thought about everything and anything, his mind racing almost faster than he could keep up. He turned the day over and over in his mind, as if it were an object he needed to observe from every angle. He went over every word that had been said, every look that had been exchanged, every gesture and smile and inflection. He did not know what he was searching for - something he might have missed in the moment, perhaps? His mind was usually very retentive - something that aided him greatly in his studies - but with Sirius he sometimes experienced strange lapses in memory. He forgot things he had said, little moments here and there, and only remembered them when he made the conscious effort to. 

But the more Remus thought about Sirius, the more his thoughts became laced with anxiety. Had he let his guard down? Had Sirius suspected something? What if something irreversible had shifted between them and their friendship would no longer be the same, and it was all his fault? His heart clenched painfully when he thought about what his face might have betrayed. He had been foolish to let Sirius stay, to suggest he sit on the bed -

He must have dozed off eventually, because he woke again when the hospital wing was filled with a pale dawn light. Birds chirped outside the windows, a sound which most people associated with peace and serenity, but which Remus associated with coming back to himself after a full moon night, his mind slowly regaining its humanity as his body ached and he hoped against hope that no one had been hurt while he…

“Good morning, Mr Lupin,” Madam Pomfrey said, and he sat up eagerly, grateful for the distraction.

Madam Pomfrey examined him and pronounced him fit to leave the hospital wing at last. Remus did not need to be told twice.

He swung his legs out of bed and changed quickly behind the curtain. It felt good to get out of his ‘hospital wing’ clothes and into his normal ones. Afterwards, he thanked Madam Pomfrey sincerely. She told him to get going, shooing him towards the door with a fond smile. Remus felt he could never thank her enough for what she did for him every full moon. 

As he left the hospital wing, he saw a familiar figure walking down the corridor towards him. She was alone, her red hair piled up into a messy bun which was held together by her wand. 

“Remus!” she said, her face breaking into a wide smile. 

She sped up the last few steps between them and pulled Remus into a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around him. Remus returned the hug, glad to see her. There was something about Lily Evans that always made him feel safe and protected. There was no one else quite like her, at Hogwarts or anywhere else. 

“I missed you,” Lily said. “How are you feeling?”

Remus gave a little laugh, running a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t tell you.”

“Come for a walk with me, will you?” Lily said, gesturing at the rising sun outside the window. 

Remus hesitated. He did not have the energy to make small talk with anybody this morning, and Lily never went anywhere without Marlene McKinnon.

“Marlene is still asleep,” Lily said, as if she could read his mind. “It’s just the two of us.”

Remus nodded and smiled. “All right. Of course. Let’s go.”

They met very few people on their walk from the hospital wing to the entrance hall. It was not strange; students generally liked to sleep in on Saturdays, enjoying the reprieve from classes. James and Sirius and Peter were probably all fast asleep and snoring at this very moment. Remus vaguely wondered why Lily was up and dressed and wandering around at this hour. 

They walked out through the oak double doors and into the cool morning breeze. The grounds were just as deserted as the castle, but Remus liked it that way. There was no one to stare at him, to ask why he had been absent from classes yet again. 

Remus let Lily lead him. They spent the walk in comfortable silence. That was another thing Remus loved about Lily; she only spoke when she had something to say. She never wasted words. 

The Black Lake glittered with the colours of the rising sun. Remus raised a hand to protect his eyes from the glare. Lily stopped walking suddenly. Remus looked at her questioningly. She gestured at a spot of flattened grass overlooking the lake. 

“Shall we sit?” she said. 

“All right,” Remus replied. 

They sat, crossing their legs. The surface of the lake was mesmerising, painted with so many colours that the name Black Lake no longer seemed apt. 

“I ran into Black yesterday,” Lily said, after a few moments. 

Remus looked at her, wondering where this was going. “Oh?”

“He was just leaving the hospital wing,” she said. “He looked… unsettled.”

Panic rose in Remus’s throat. Unsettled? What did that mean? Had he made Sirius uncomfortable yesterday?

Lily’s gaze was sharp but not unkind. Never unkind. 

“In what way?” Remus asked, trying to sound casual.

“I don’t know,” Lily said thoughtfully. “Just… unsettled. Worried. Not his usual brash, arrogant self.”

She said the last part lightly, as a joke. Remus knew her opinion of Sirius had changed vastly in the last year, just as her opinion of James had. 

“Oh,” was all Remus could think to reply. 

Lily pulled her wand out of her hair and it tumbled down over her shoulders. She cleaned the wand absent-mindedly with the hem of her shirt, then spun it skilfully through her fingers. Remus had a sense that she was building up to something, which was strange; usually when Lily had something to say, she came right out with it. 

She plucked a daisy from the grass and pointed her wand at it. The petals closed and then opened again, closed and opened, closed and opened. They both watched, Remus timing his breaths to the furling and unfurling of the petals. 

“This was one of the first bits of magic I ever did,” Lily said quietly. “Before I got my letter, I mean. I held a daisy in my palm and made it do this. I thought it was beautiful, but my sister was scared. She knocked it out of my hand and ran home to tell our parents that I was a freak.”

Remus had never heard Lily talk about her sister before. He knew she had one, but that was as far as his knowledge went. He didn’t even know her name. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

Lily shrugged. “It was a long time ago.”

She tilted her hand and let the flower fall. Then she fixed her hair back into a bun, securing it with her wand again. She released a breath and shifted to face him.

“Remus, I want to ask you something,” she said. 

Remus’s heart stuttered. “What?” he asked, afraid of the answer.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” she said. 

“All right,” Remus said nervously. His stomach was clenched as if he hadn’t eaten in days. Lily’s gaze was piercing and it was suddenly difficult to meet it. 

“Do you have feelings for Sirius?” Lily asked.

Her tone was gentle but direct. Remus froze, a lightning bolt of fear shooting through every part of his body. His heart thumped painfully against his ribs. He could hear his pulse in his ears, hear the beat beat beat as it sped up to beatbeatbeatbeatbeat…

His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. For several moments, his mind spun with possible replies. With denials. 

Lily was looking at him, her green eyes so sharp yet so kind at the same time. Hers was a face he trusted. She was a person he trusted, implicitly. And it was for that reason that Remus ignored his deepest instinct and said, “Yes.”

The word felt so big, so powerful, that Remus was surprised it didn’t cause ripples in the surface of the lake. His blood raced through him, making him feel almost dizzy. He looked at Lily, not sure what he expected to see in her eyes. Her expression was hard to read and for a moment the weight of his mistake crushed him, he could not breathe -

Then Lily leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. She clutched him tighter than she ever had, and Remus felt his eyes sting, and he could not process what was happening -

They drew apart. Lily smiled at him, and the relief that coursed through Remus’s body was even more powerful than the fear he had felt moments before. 

“How did you know?” Remus finally asked, his voice shaky. 

“I just… have an eye for that kind of thing,” Lily said, waving her hand. 

“And you don’t… you don’t think I’m…” Remus was not quite sure what he meant to say. Disgusting? Wrong? 

“Remus,” Lily said. “Do you remember what I told you when you told me you were a werewolf?”

“I know?” Remus said, repeating her exact words from that day. 

Lily laughed. “After that.”

Remus tried to remember, but before he could think hard enough, Lily said, “I told you that you're my friend and a wonderful person and nothing could ever change that.”

“Oh,” Remus said weakly. 

“Who you like, who you don’t…” Lily waved a hand. “It doesn’t matter. As long as you find someone who loves you and treats you well, it doesn’t matter who it is.”

Remus felt a wave of renewed affection for Lily wash through him. She had lifted a weight off him that he had become so accustomed to carrying that he only realised now how heavy it had been. 

“Thank you,” Remus said, hoping that those words were somehow enough to convey his gratitude. 

She kissed his cheek in response. They looked back at the lake for a moment and Remus felt the adrenaline still in his veins, his head light, a cautious joy building in his chest…

“So,” Lily said, in a much lighter tone. “Do you think he likes you back?”

Remus’s newfound optimism wilted. He thought of Sirius, of his grey eyes and his barking laugh and the way he swept his hair out of his face and the way he smelled and the way he had looked sleeping next to Remus the day before, and he wished with every fibre of his being that the answer could be yes. 

“I don’t think so.” It pained Remus to say it. “I mean, I’m sure he’s not… you know… and even if he was…”

“People can surprise you, Remus,” Lily said quietly. “I know that better than anyone.”

Remus shook his head sadly. “I’ve known him for a long time. He’s not… I’m certain he’s not.”

“I wouldn’t write him off so quickly,” Lily said. “Like I said, I have an eye for these things.”

Remus stared at her. “Are you -?”

“I’m still figuring it out,” she said, leaning back on her palms and stretching out her legs. “I know I like boys, but sometimes I think I might like girls too. They’re pretty, you know? But I’ve only been with boys before so who knows.” She shrugged. “I suppose I’m just open to anything, and that’s all right with me.”

Remus was shocked that she could say it so openly, so casually. She did not even stumble over her words. He was in awe of her. 

She looked out at the lake and he followed her gaze. Ripples were now spreading out from the centre of the lake, distorting the glassy surface; it could only be the giant squid. Remus glanced back towards the castle, where his friends were. Where Sirius was. Where he was now with Lily felt like an utterly different world, something new and frightening and exciting. It felt raw, like an exposed nerve. He had not felt so vulnerable and yet so unburdened since his friends had told him they knew he was a werewolf. 

“Thank you for this,” Remus said, looking at Lily. The sunlight was brilliant on her dark red hair. She smiled at him warmly, her cheeks dimpling. 

“You don’t need to thank me, Remus,” she said, and slung an arm around his shoulders.


End file.
